The Illusion of Judgement
It sometimes seems very really to me that the judgement of others is preventing me from doing what I want to do with my life and showing up in the way I want to show up. If only this person would change or I could change my circumstances then I will be in a space to create what I want to create. Except the circumstances never change sufficiently and there always seems to be another person getting in my way. But what if outside judgements are powerless to affect how I feel? What if my psychology isn't wired up that way? What if I feel what is in my thinking and nothing else?
A Reactive State
When I am in a reactive state I have noticed that my first impulse is to look to the external. Looking to the outside is easy, it doesn't require much thought, it is a conditioned reaction which leads me to the most obvious cause time and time again. I could easily live my whole life in this manner, to look at a static world that is both the cause of my happiness and sadness. Except the world doesn't work that way, being a victim of circumstances is a choice. The external world is a playground that is just as malleable as the brain inside my head.
Insecurities as Opportunities
If I am not feeling other people's perceived judgements of myself then what am I feeling? If other people don't hold the key to my self worth then who does? I have noticed that whenever I perceive a judgement, it feels like a threat and I feel reactive. However, the curious thing is that I have also noticed that not all judgements give me a reactive feeling. If other peoples judgements of me affect the way I feel then how come this isn't a 100% thing? It seems like this feeling contains numerous variables such as who the person is, what the judgement is on and how much conviction I feel. It's funny because usually the outside world has numerous constants I can count on. The principle of gravity doesn't randomly decide to turn me upside down at will and the Earth never seems to decide to stop spinning. On closer inspection I realise there is a constant to my perceived feelings of judgement and that constant is me. What if I don't feel external judgements, what if I am only ever feeling my own insecurities? What if my insecurities become opportunities when I shine a light on them?