An Agitated Ego
There are times when it really feels like the outside world is making me feel this or that. A friend or a work colleague makes an off hand remark that I don't fully agree with or I feel is 'a load of nonsense' and in the blink of an eye I am up in my head. Feelings such as 'you are wrong and I am right' surge through me and all of a sudden I feel like I need to reach out and convince. A few moments later I feel calmness while I am working away on a programming problem set and I have the thought of why was I so agitated a few moments ago?
Ego a Common Foe
My archaic mind sometimes fools me into looking at the world in black and white. When I look at the world at a surface level I can easily categorise people into egotistical and not, and of course my dictatorial self places me safely in the non egotistical box. What I am overlooking is the fact that I am sitting in an cinema thinking that there is no projector in the room.
In my experience I always felt an ego present in my character but I somehow picked up the misunderstanding that I needed to deny and suppress it. Egotistical people are bad and humble people are good is a line of inquiry I probably followed for many years. However, ego comes in many colours and is very subtle and deceptive when it wants to be. It may feel like not showing up in the world until I feel 'deserving enough' is a sign of humility but really it is my ego believing that I can reach such a state where I am more deserving to do something than someone else is. This is a sense of entitlement in disguise and in the modern day I feel there is nothing more destructive. True humility comes from the truth that I am not deserving of anything, I simply fall in line with reality and I take action towards a life I want to live in and share with others.
Do you resonate with my description of the ego? Do you feel there is freedom in acceptance of the ego? If you have any insights, questions or recommendations feel free to leave a comment or drop me an e-mail.